Doubts

As days goes by i feel that I'm forcing myself to continue my everyday routine
can i just do something that i really like?
Im really tired of sobbing every now and then thinking of what shall i do next
somehow i feel lost and there's no guidance or people to look up to.
wondering around without directions

pursuing a career in music may sound like a joke
i know it's tough but at least i enjoy doing it
during my orchestra days my smile was the widest
now i dun smile that often anymore
or some how i dun find the happiness in other thing beside music

i share a great passion for music and love the people around me
most of all i miss my rehearsal,performances, practices and concerts
gosh i cant say how much i miss being around the music atmosphere
is never too tired practicing the whole day.

my enthusiasm towards my course decrease each semester
im struggling to juggle between assignment and my social circle
i feel so restrain seeing the same lecturer and tired of doing the same thing every semester
it seems like a repetition.
im having trouble in sustaining focus on
what's wrong with me?

I became quiet compared to my talkative days
once my voice can be heard every time during the Q & A session
and now i remain silent although i've something to voice out
why speak out if no one could understand you.
to me silence is virtue,i prefer to be not heard.

again my self esteem is getting lower each time i receive negative feed back about my course
i worried that i bring shame to my family for not living up to their expectation
im sick of being the polite and not telling those ignorant people off at once
i hate the situation im facing
i wish i have the courage to over come what im facing now.